How to be a Good Listener: 7 Tips for Active Listening

What is the importance of being a good listener and why should we study it? Good listening is the basis of effective communication, which is vital in any interaction you can think of—personal relationships, workplace interactions, and even casual conversations.

Tell me if you can relate to this scenario. You were talking with someone. Even though the person was right there with you, you didn’t feel heard or understood. It felt like you were taking turns to talk. They were thinking about their responses while you were talking rather than listening to you.

I imagine you already nodding in affirmation, but the truth is that you have most likely done it to others too. It probably wasn’t intentional. It could be that you were over excited about your ideas and you wanted to dominate the conversation. Whether you have become a victim of people not listening to you or you were the one who didn’t listen, learning how to be a good listener will transform your relationships with others.

Active listening is beyond hearing words. It’s about fully understanding, engaging, and responding in a manner that makes your colleague feel understood and valued.

So, the question is, “How do you listen actively?” We will look at seven practical tips to become a good listener and connect with others genuinely and deeply.

1. Give Your Full Attention:

Give your undivided focus and attention to your speaker. If you are not fully committed to a conversation, it’s better not to have it. As mentioned earlier, listening is beyond hearing words; it requires undivided attention. It shows your respect and value for the person you are talking to. When someone is speaking, put away your phones, laptops, and TVs. If possible, move to a quieter environment to limit background noise and be fully present.

Also, while listening to the person, body language is crucial. Maintain eye contact to show engagement, keep an open posture, and nod as you follow the conversation. Avoid checking your watch frequently, looking around the room, tapping with your legs, pacing, facing your legs in another direction, etc. Doing any of these things suggests that you are not interested in the conversation.

For example, imagine you want to share something important with your friend, whether good or bad, and they keep checking their watch every minute. How will that make you feel? Maybe rejected and dejected. You’ll likely feel like you’re wasting their time. But I want you to think about how you’ll feel if your friend gives you their undivided attention. You’ll most likely feel respected, seen, and heard. 

2. Show That You’re Listening:

Aside from the body language or nonverbal cues discussed in the last point, your words are equally important. You have to use your words. I call them verbal affirmations because they are like lubricants, easing the conversation and keeping the speaker going. Examples of verbal affirmations are “That makes sense,” “I see,” or “Tell me more.” These verbal affirmations help the speaker see and feel that you are paying attention and keep the conversation flowing.

Furthermore, many people confuse active listening with sitting stiffly and being silent. There is a reason why it is called active and not passive. Just because you are engaged doesn’t mean you just sit still. If you are too quiet, the speaker might feel that you are not interested in the conversation. For example, let’s say a colleague shares a problem with you, but you just sit silently with no form of reaction. If that’s how you interpret listening, that’s not exactly correct because it’s unengaging and makes the speaker feel you don’t care. But while your friend is speaking, if you make good facial expressions, verbal affirmations, and nod your head, they will feel seen and acknowledged.

3. Avoid Interrupting:

Many people have the habit of interrupting others when they speak. To be a good listener, you should cut down on interrupting people. Let them finish their thoughts without cutting them off. When you cut someone off mid-sentence, it makes them feel disrespected or unheard. Just give them free flow to speak. Even when they are looking for the right words to express themselves, resist the urge to always complete it. You might think you know what they want to say, but they might want to express it differently.

Also, stop thinking about what you’ll say next while they talk. Instead, focus your full attention on their words. Listen to understand instead of listening to speak. I know you don’t like the silence that is usually in between when someone finishes their statements. But sometimes, silence is important. Some studies say you should wait 5-7 seconds after the speaker has spoken before speaking because they might want to continue their statement.

4. Ask Clarifying Questions:

Asking questions shows that you have a genuine interest in your speaker. It shows engagement and encourages deeper conversation. Except they say they don’t want to discuss it; don’t assume you understand their feelings. Ask open-ended questions like:

“What do you mean by that?” “Can you elaborate on that point?” “Which one exactly?”

“How did that make you feel?” etc. For example, if your friend says, “I had a tough day at work,” you can ask questions like, “What happened?” or “Do you want to talk about it?” This shows them that you care. It also invites them to open up and share their burdens with you.

However, I must advise you not to turn it into an FBI interrogation. It will make your colleague uncomfortable. Instead, frame questions naturally and let the conversation flow.

5. Paraphrase and Summarize:

One of the best ways to show that you are listening is by paraphrasing and summarizing keywords to confirm understanding. It helps ensure you understand it correctly and lets the speaker know the message was received. You can say, “So, what you are saying is…” “It sounds like you mean…” “From what you said, this is what I got… Is that what you mean?” “Just to make sure I understand, you are saying…” Note that this is not word-for-word repetition; it’s about capturing the essence of their message.

6. Manage Your Reactions and Emotions:

You must control your emotions when listening, especially in sensitive or difficult conversations. Even if someone shares something you disagree with, don’t try to debate or correct them immediately. Avoid defensive reactions, even if you disagree. You should pause before reacting. Learn to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting emotionally. A good question you can ask yourself is, “Will my response build understanding or create conflict?”

Lastly, remember the body language we talked about earlier? There are some defensive body language you should avoid when talking with people. They are:

• Crossing your arms.
• Avoiding eye contact.
• Frowning or tightening your jaw.
• Leaning away or turning your body away,
• Sighing.
• Rolling your eyes.
• Fidgeting or tapping.
• Raising your shoulders or fidgeting repeatedly.

A lot to take in? I hope not. Because these body languages show that you are in a defensive state.

7. Practice Empathy:

Don’t just understand the speaker’s words; understand their emotions and perspective. Empathy is putting yourself in people’s shoes. This is imagining their experiences, understanding their emotions, connecting with them, and responding with genuine compassion and care. Empathy builds trust and makes the bond and connection stronger.

Try to step into their shoes, acknowledge how they feel, and validate their feelings with empathetic responses like: “That sounds tough,” “I can imagine how frustrating that must feel,” “I can imagine why you feel that way,” “It seems like this situation means a lot to you,” etc.

You must be wary of brushing their feelings and trying to solve or fix the problem instantly. You should still help them see the solution, but sometimes, people want to be heard. So, be empathetic before solving the problem.

For example, if your friend tells you they feel nervous about a test, don’t brush it up and just say they will be fine. You could first empathize with a statement like, “I can only imagine how you feel.” Then, you could ask questions to know more. You could ask, “Why do you feel anxious?” That will give you more context. For example, let’s say your friend is studying law. With your follow-up question, she said, “The test is different. The test is about problem questions instead of essay questions. Problem questions are where you are given a scenario and then instructed to pick out the issues and give a robust answer that can be backed up. On the other hand, essay questions are direct questions like, “What is a constitution?”

Using this information, you can say, “That sounds tough; I can imagine how frustrating that must feel.” This shows that you care and deepens their trust in you.

Conclusion

In this article, we have learned how to be a good listener. You need to know that being a good listener is a skill that takes practice and intentionality. These 7 tips will help you transform how you connect with others and help you become a better listener.

I know all these tips are words on your screen if you have not applied them. So, here’s my challenge: the next time you have a conversation, use one of the tips shared here and see how the speaker reacts to it. Then, keep applying them in all your conversations until they become part of you.

If you learned something valuable, don’t hesitate to share this article with your colleagues and friends.