Sir Auditor UviesherheSibling rivalry can be traced back to the first two siblings—Cane and Abel. Since then, it has been a constant subject that needs to be addressed in every home.
Conflicts will always happen, no matter how good you are as a parent or how well-behaved your children are.
The major concern is when you, as a parent, don’t know how to manage and resolve those conflicts.
Many strained relationships among siblings today are the result of unresolved disputes. And this responsibility lies with the parents.
If the parents do not intervene or mediate between them, the issue will escalate and become a big issue, leaving ugly scars on their hearts.
Some sibling relationships will never be the same again because they couldn’t resolve their differences on time.
Hence, there is a need for parents to understand how to resolve these issues.
In this article, we will discuss effective strategies that will help you manage sibling rivalry in your home.
Understanding Sibling Rivalry
While the consistent rivalry and bickering among children can stress out parents, it’s important to understand that it is normal among children.
In fact, it will be weird and strange if there is no conflict or disagreement among your children.
Children have what we call the “mine” mentality, especially the firstborns. So, let’s say you gave birth to your first child (a male).
He is used to receiving all the love and attention with no rival. However, in two years, you gave birth to another child.
You don’t expect your firstborn to adjust instantly, do you? He will have to accept the fact that he can’t have all the attention he wants.
So, sometimes, sibling rivalry is one of the ways they get to adjust and understand themselves.
Have you ever seen two children disagree about 10 minutes ago, and in the next 10 minutes, they are back to being friends?
You might even fall into the trap of blaming one of them until you realize that they are back to being friends.
While this could happen, more often than not, many of these conflicts require the intervention of parents, hence the importance of this topic.
What Causes Sibling Rivalry?
- Competition for resources:
One of the major causes of sibling rivalry is competition for resources such as toys, clothes, shoes, gifts, etc. An older sibling can be annoyed that he got only two toys, while his sibling got 3 toys each.
- Identity and individuality:
Another prominent cause of sibling rivalry is identity and individuality. The truth is that your children will be different from each other.
Their temperaments and personalities will be different too. Your first child could be Melphleg (melancholy and phlegmatic) and INFJ (introverted, intuitive, feeling, and judging), while your second child could be Sanchol (sanguine and choleric) and ESTP (extroverted, sensing, thinking and perceiving).
With these two distinct personality styles, disputes are inevitable.
- Developmental differences:
Siblings at different age brackets will most likely have different needs and abilities, which may lead to conflict.
For instance, in deciding your family outing, your younger daughter might want to go to the playground because of the swings, slides, merry-go-round, and tubes, to name a few.
But your teenage daughter might want the family to go shopping. These differences in needs and priorities can lead to sibling rivalry.
- Competition for attention:
As you probably already know, one of the primary needs of every human is the need to be seen. Children can go to all lengths just to get your attention.
And one of the “lengths” is conflict. Because what could be a better way to get your full attention?
This could stem from being starved of attention or unintentionally ignoring them.
- Perceived favouritism:
Another foundational human need is the need to be loved. When your children perceive that you love one child over another, they start feeling neglected.
It also affects their self-esteem because the one person they love and trust the most (you) doesn’t love them as much as they do.
Even if you don’t love one over another, your actions could be saying otherwise.
How Sibling Rivalry Affects Parents and Children
- Parental stress:
One of the results of sibling rivalry is stress. Parents are prone to experiencing more stress when there are conflicts among their children. They have to mediate, talk to, and create time to solve those issues.
- The difficulty of family time:
Sibling rivalry makes it harder to have family time, like talking, laughing, and even watching a movie together. Many grown-up adults still have issues with their siblings. Hence, they either try to avoid each other or flare up at family time.
- Sibling abuse:
A long-term, acute, or persistent rivalry without any closure could lead to abuse. So, they engage in physical combat and the one with strength overshadows the other.
Parents must be careful that the issue does not escalate to this point. Violence and fist fights are not the way to resolve conflicts among siblings.
While there should be discipline and mutual respect, abuse is not the way to enforce that.
- Strained relationships among siblings:
One of the effects of sibling rivalry is strained relationships. It is usually harder to build strong bonds among them, and they will hardly have a conversation and not find fault with each other’s point of view.
- Emotional Impact:
Conflicts among siblings have a negative emotional impact on them. It can cause emotional instability, a lack of emotional intelligence, or negligence.
Effective Strategies for Managing Sibling Rivalry
1. Set clear expectations and boundaries
The Holy Book, the Bible, says, “Where there is no law, there is no sin.” Where there are no rules, regulations, or guidelines, there is no culture.
You are the guardian of the home, and the decisions you make affect your children’s future. So, you must set clear expectations and boundaries for your children.
Here are some tips for creating clear expectations and boundaries:
- Establish family rules:
There should be family rules and regulations that everyone, including you, must live by. It must be a mantra in your home. For example, using curse words is prohibited in this home.
That could be one of your family’s rules. Another family rule could be, “Do not raise your voice; always resolve issues amicably.”
You could also have time for lights off, family devotion, etc. You should also involve your children in this decision-making process.
- Create boundaries for personal space and belongings:
Your children must respect each other’s personal space and belongings. You must ensure mutual respect among your children.
Your children should get permission from each other before touching a property that isn’t theirs.
You must enforce this because if you don’t, your children will see it as an opportunity to exploit one another.
- Be consistent:
You must be consistent in upholding your family rules and values all the time. There should be no exceptions. Nobody should be above your rules.
- Encourage problem-solving skills:
You should teach your children problem-solving skills. That is, whenever an issue arises, you should sit them down and guide them on how to resolve it.
2. Nurture Individual Identities
As I mentioned earlier, your children will most likely be different from each other, even if they are twins. To resolve their rivalry, you must nurture individual identities.
Here are some ways you can nurture individual identities:
- Encourage personal interests:
Your children will have different personal interests. It could be in art, music, and all that.
You must encourage their interests and support them in every way you can. You don’t want your child to feel like you are not supporting him or her like the others.
- Avoid comparisons:
The easiest way to cause strife among your children is to compare them with one another. This has caused more havoc and damage than parents could ever imagine.
The emotional damage it has caused can’t be measured. Every child is unique and different from each other. You should strengthen and focus more on their strengths than their weaknesses.
- Encourage mutual respect for one another:
Respect, they say, is reciprocal. Your children, from the eldest to the youngest, should respect one another.
This should be a fundamental value in your family. You must uphold this value in your family.
- Promote empathy:
Empathy is simply the ability to step into another person’s shoes and understand what they are going through.
Empathy should be the watchword of your household. They should learn to understand each other’s pain and problems.
Spend quality time with each child: While it’s good to spend time together as a family, it’s paramount that you spend time with each child. It helps you bond more with them and nurture their identities.
That’s why your job as a parent is an active one. You have the job of shaping and guiding your children.
3. Encourage Effective Communication
Teaching your children how to communicate their thoughts and emotions effectively is one of the most effective strategies for managing sibling rivalry.
Some adults today struggle with communicating their feelings because they weren’t taught how to communicate effectively.
Below are some ways you can teach your children to communicate effectively:
- Encourage active listening:
Train your children to understand the importance of active listening. Teach them to listen to understand rather than listen to speak.
That is, they should learn to listen to one another’s perspective without interference.
This makes both parties feel heard and understood. Developing active listening skills will help your children form an unbreakable bond and foster empathy.
- Foster assertiveness:
One of the ways you can encourage communication is through assertiveness.
Teach your children how to express their feelings and desires confidently without aggression or manipulation.
One of the best ways to do this is with “I” statements. For example, if a younger sibling took an older sibling’s property, he or she could say, “I feel angry when you take my stuff without asking for my permission.” They must be able to communicate their viewpoints assertively.
- Promote open expression:
Many children have been shut up by their guardians. Your children should be able to express themselves without being afraid of being condemned or judged. Promote open expression among your children.
- Enforce respectful communication:
Respect is very important in communication. Charity, they say, begins at home. If you want your child to respect others while communicating with them, it starts with their sibling. Respect must be upheld while they are communicating with each other.
- Lead by example:
While it’s good to give specific instructions and guidance to your children, it’s important to know that your children also learn from your actions.
It’s not only about giving them instructions; you must not defy those instructions either. If you told them to observe table manners while eating, then you should do the same.
If you told them to love one another, then you should show them how to love by giving them love. Many children have been starved of love, so they don’t even know how to love someone.
4. Create Opportunities for Siblings to Bond
- Create shared responsibilities:
Give your children tasks they can achieve together. It could be washing the plates, preparing meals, tidying the living space, doing their laundry, etc.
- Advance collaboration on projects:
If they have similar interests or something in common, they can create something together. For example, let’s say you have two children who love playing the piano and guitar, respectively.
You could buy the piano and guitar for them, so they could practice together. It could also be as simple as doing their school assignments.
- Create family activities:
Having family activities will help strengthen the bond among your children. Your family activities could be as simple as playing games such as chess, pachisi, scrabble, etc. It could also be watching movies, having conversations, and so on.
5. Teach Conflict Resolution Skills
- Validate feelings:
Teach your children to validate one another’s feelings when resolving differences.
That is, what they feel is justified, and they deserve to feel that way. They should not invalidate each other’s feelings by their words or actions.
- Empathy and perspective:
Teach the siblings to always wear the lens of empathy and respect each other’s perspectives and opinions.
They don’t always have to agree or be on the same page, but there can be a compromise—something they both agree on.
- Common ground:
This is important because we don’t always see life from the same perspective. So, they shouldn’t try to force their perspectives on each other. Your children should be able to think for themselves.
But they should have a common ground. Something like, “I don’t agree with what you said here, but I think you have a point.”
- Render apology:
Not apologizing has caused a lot of sibling rivalry. Teach your children to apologize to one another if any of them are wrong.
Help them understand the importance of saying the short sentence, “I’m sorry.” This will help them resolve conflicts faster.
Conclusion on Strategies for Managing Sibling Rivalry
As previously stated, you can’t avoid sibling rivalry; it’s bound to happen. However, if you apply the measures we’ve discussed, it will be much easier for you to guide them in resolving their conflicts.
Also, you’ll be able to foster a positive relationship and a stronger bond among your children. Lastly, understand that each family is unique and different.
What worked for one family might not work for another. Implement these strategies and stick with the ones that work for your family.
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