5 Parent Mistakes that Destroy Trust and How to Avoid Them.

As a parent, there’s nothing more devastating than discovering that your child has been hiding a painful secret from you.

I will never forget the story of a lady that I know who was molested for 8 years, starting at the tender age of 6.

She grew up believing that secrecy was normal, and it took a toll on her relationships as an adult. 

The question is, how well do you know your child? Are they comfortable sharing their deepest thoughts and feelings with you? Unfortunately, many parents are oblivious to their children’s struggles.

They often find out too late about issues like sexual abuse, drug addiction, and other societal ills. The root of the problem lies in the lack of trust between the parent and child.

When you assume everything is fine as a parent, you inadvertently create a culture of secrecy and expose your child to a lot of danger. 

In this article, we’ll explore 5 common mistakes parents make that destroy trust. We’ll also provide practical tips on how to avoid them, fostering a stronger, more open relationship with your child.

Ready? Let’s dive in!

Meaning and Importance of Trust

So, what is trust, and why is it so crucial in parenting? 

Trust is the confident reliance on the integrity, ability, and character of another person. It is your child’s firm belief that their needs will be met and that you will act in their best interests.

This cannot be achieved without a foundation of consistency, reliability, and follow-through. 

In the context of parenting, trust means that your child believes you will:

• Keep their confidence and maintain confidentiality

• Be truthful and transparent in your interactions with them

• Follow through on commitments and maintain consistent boundaries

• Provide emotional support and validation

• Act in their best interests, even when it’s difficult or unpopular

• The importance of trust in parenting cannot be overstated. Trust:

• Encourages open communication and honesty

• Fosters a sense of security and safety

• Promotes emotional intelligence and well-being

• Helps build self-confidence and self-esteem

• Facilitates healthy boundaries and decision-making

• Supports academic and personal success

Trust is built over time. It is earned. It is not something you command out of anyone, not even your child.

Your actions and inactions towards your child will either build or erode their confidence in you.

Now let’s take a look at some common mistakes parents make that destroy trust.

Mistake #1: Breaking Promises 

Think about it – if your child can’t rely on you to keep your word, why should they trust you with their feelings, needs, or secrets?

A lot of parents don’t see it as a big deal to trick their children. You might trivialize keeping your promise to your child because you assume they’re too young to make anything of it.

But this ‘little’ behaviour can have a big impact on our relationship with our kids. 

It’s not just about keeping promises to do fun things or give rewards. It’s also about following through on promises to punish or discipline our children when they misbehave.

If we threaten a consequence but don’t follow through, our child may not take us seriously next time.

And if we promise a reward, but don’t deliver, our child may feel like they’ve been tricked.

Don’t say things that you don’t mean just to get your child to do what you want.

Be realistic about what you can commit to, and avoid making promises you’re not sure you can keep. 

For instance, you tell your child “If you clean your room, I’ll take you to the park this weekend”.

If they cleaned the room, ensure to keep your end of the agreement by taking them to the park by the weekend. 

Communicate clearly and set explicit expectations with your child. Avoid sending mixed signals, which can mislead and confuse them.

You might think you’re being clever, but in reality, your child is losing confidence in your words.

Over time, your words will lose their meaning, and your child will become uncertain about what to expect from you.

For example, let’s say you promise to get your child a bicycle if they pass their exams.

Your child is motivated, works hard, and achieves a 3rd position in class. They’re thrilled and remind you of your promise.

However, you can’t afford a bicycle at that time and don’t see yourself buying one soon. What do you do?

Do you try to renege on your promise by claiming that your child didn’t meet your requirement because they didn’t take the 1st position? If you do, you’ll betray their trust in you.

Instead, state clearly what you expect from your child and when they fulfil their end of the agreement, fulfil yours.

This will help build trust and credibility with your child, and they’ll learn to rely on your words.

In short, avoid making promises that you can’t keep.

On rare occasions, if you need to break a promise, apologize sincerely and explain the reason.

Emphasis on ‘rare occasions’ because you mustn’t make it a pattern of breaking your promises and coming up with ‘stories’ for a defence.

If you tell your child “I’ll attend your school cultural day tomorrow”, make sure you mean it. Set your phone reminder so you don’t forget. Fix it in your schedule. It is better not to make promises than to make them and break them.

But because some situations might be out of our control, make amends when you break a promise and offer an alternative solution.

When it comes to discipline, be consistent and fair. If you threaten a consequence, make sure to follow through.

For example, you tell your child “If you don’t stop throwing tantrums, I’ll not give you your favourite toy”.

The child keeps throwing tantrums and you still give them their toy. That child will not take you seriously.

Consequences of Broken Promises

The problem with broken promises is that you risk eroding the trust your child has in you. 

• Your child may feel like they can’t rely on you and this can lead to anxiety and uncertainty.

• They may become hesitant to share their feelings or needs with you, fearing you won’t follow through.

• Broken promises can damage your child’s self-esteem, making them feel unimportant or unworthy.

Mistake #2: Not Listening Actively 

Parents often get caught up in their own thoughts and distractions. That’s why they pay little or no attention when their children talk.

When you don’t listen actively to your child, they feel unheard, unimportant, and unvalued. 

Active listening is more than just hearing what your child is saying; it’s about listening to what they are not saying in words but saying with their body language; understanding their thoughts, feelings, and needs.

When we listen actively, we show our child that we value and respect their opinions, which helps build trust and strengthens our relationship.

Active listening helps to reduce misunderstandings and conflicts between you and your child.

Strategies for Improving Active Listening Skills

Give your undivided attention: Put away distractions like phones and focus on your child when they are trying to have a conversation with you.

Maintain eye contact: Look at your child when they’re speaking to show you’re engaged.

Use verbal cues: Nod, make eye contact, and use phrases like “I see” or “uh-huh” to show you’re listening.

Paraphrase and summarize: Repeat back what you’ve heard to ensure that you understand and show you’re actively listening.

Ask open-ended questions: Encourage your child to share more by asking open-ended questions that can’t be answered with a simple “yes” or “no”.

For instance, instead of saying “Are you happy about it?” Say “How does that make you feel?”

Avoid interrupting: Try not to assume that you already know what they are saying. Let your child finish speaking before responding.

Mistake #3: Being Judgemental 

Imagine sharing a mistake or struggle with two friends, Friend A and Friend B.

You confide in Friend A, but instead of empathy and understanding, they respond with harsh judgment and criticism.

“What were you thinking?” Friend A says with disappointment written all over her face.

“I hope you’ve got another job because if I were your boss, your sack letter would be the first thing you find on your desk tomorrow.”

You feel deflated, ashamed, and defensive. You wonder why you even bothered sharing your mistake with Friend A.

Later that day, you call Friend B and relate the same story about what happened at work. But this time, you get a very different response.

“Oh! That sounds serious. How do you feel right now?” Friend B asks calmly.

“It was normal for you to feel this way, but I think you could have handled it this other way, though,” Friend B suggests.

“Right now, your boss has valid reasons to be upset. What can we do to pacify him?” Friend B asks, and you both discuss and come up with a plan to fix the situation.

After everything is over, which of these two friends will you be more comfortable discussing your shortcomings with?

This is how your child feels when they open up to you and they get a harsh criticism in return.

If your child doesn’t feel comfortable opening up to you for fear of being criticized or judged, they might turn to peers or others who would not judge them but give them misleading ideas.

Create a safe and non-judgmental space for your children to share their struggles and mistakes. Aim to be like Friend B.

Offer empathy, understanding, and guidance. This builds trust, encourages open communication, and helps your children develop a growth mindset.

Overly critical parents can make their children feel belittled, unappreciated, and unvalued.

Excessive criticism can lead to:

• Low self-esteem and confidence

• Fear of failure and risk-taking

• Defensiveness and rebellion

• Strained relationships and mistrust

Constructive feedback focuses on specific behaviours or actions. It provides guidance and suggestions for improvement.

Criticism is often general, negative, and personalized.

For example:

Constructive feedback: “I’ve noticed you’re struggling with math problems. Let’s work on a strategy to help you improve.”

Criticism: “Why is your case always different? What is so difficult about these math problems that you can’t solve?”

To avoid being overly critical, try:

• Focusing on specific behaviours, not personal traits

• Providing positive feedback and encouragement

• Setting realistic expectations and goals

• Offering guidance and support, rather than criticism and blame

• Celebrating small victories and accomplishments

Mistake #4: Violating Boundaries 

Everyone needs boundaries to feel safe and respected – that includes your child. Parents often forget that children are humans with feelings like them too.

That’s why we overlook some issues such as this. When we overstep boundaries, we are telling our children that we don’t value or respect their autonomy.

Parents who practice helicopter parenting are often guilty of this because they want to be involved in everything their children do.

It tells the children that their parents don’t trust them to handle things on their own. 

If your child feels you don’t trust them, they might not be inclined to trust you either.

Imagine going through your 12-year-old daughter’s stuff and reading her diary without her permission and querying her for what you find.

You might think you’re being helpful, but in reality, you’re invading her privacy and disrespecting her boundaries.

Your daughter feels violated, angry, and hurt. She starts to wonder if she can trust you with her personal thoughts and feelings. She begins to withdraw from you, and your relationship starts to suffer.

To avoid overstepping boundaries:

Communicate clearly: Discuss boundaries and expectations with your child. For example, you might say, “I want to make sure you’re doing okay in school. Can we set up a regular time to talk about your grades and any challenges you’re facing?”

Respect their autonomy: Give your child space and independence when needed. For instance, if your child wants to spend time with friends, let them make their own plans and decisions (within reason, of course). Then, you can chip in suggestions where needed.

Be mindful of their feelings: Pay attention to your child’s emotional cues and comfort level. If they seem uncomfortable or upset discussing something, back off and give them some space. There will be another time or avenue to address it.

Set clear limits: Establish clear rules and consequences while explaining the reasoning behind them.

For example, you might say, “I know you want to stay up late playing video games, but we need to make sure you get enough sleep for school. Let’s set a bedtime routine that works for both of us.”

Model healthy boundaries: Show your child what healthy boundaries look like by respecting your own and others’.

For instance, if you don’t want your child to enter your bedroom without knocking, make sure you’re modelling that behaviour yourself.

Mistake #5: Lying or Withholding Information 

Parents often make this mistake. They assume that the best way to lead by example is by painting a perfect picture of themselves before their children. 

That’s why you will hear a father whose best grade in high school was a ‘C’ claiming he had straight A’s while he was his child’s age.

Some other times when such a parent wants to avoid the truth without lying outrightly, he’ll claim that he never had a ‘B’ in school.

In that sense, he might not be lying but he’s not telling the whole truth either. Thereby, misleading the child.

Imagine that child’s disappointment in the father when he accidentally stumbles on the father’s result and all they find are grades less than ‘B’.

You might be tempted to bend the truth or withhold information from your children at some point.

However, dishonesty can have devastating effects on trust and lead to a breakdown in communication and a loss of credibility.

Honesty is crucial in situations like:

• Explaining a family crisis or tragedy

• Discussing personal struggles or mistakes

• Setting boundaries and consequences

• Apologizing for a mistake or wrongdoing

Share the truth, even if it’s difficult or uncomfortable. Be transparent. Explain your reasoning and decisions clearly.

Also, be consistent. Consistency builds trust and credibility.

If you’ve made a mistake, own up to it and apologize sincerely. When your child understands you are not perfect, they feel more comfortable sharing their imperfections with you.

Explain, don’t justify. Avoid making excuses or justifying your actions; instead, explain your thought process and decisions.

Conclusion

Building trust with our children is the foundation of a strong, healthy relationship.

In this post, we have highlighted common parenting mistakes like breaking promises, not listening actively, being overly critical, disrespecting boundaries, and lying. 

When our children feel heard, respected, and supported, they’re more likely to confide in us and this creates a cycle of trust and open communication. 

Prioritizing trust helps our children develop self-confidence, resilience, and the courage to navigate life’s challenges.

Trust in the home also protects our children from harmful external pressures.

Cherish this precious bond with your child and watch it blossom into a lifelong, unbreakable connection. Your child deserves your unwavering trust and support.

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