Sir Auditor UviesherheA movie was made recently of the inspiring true story of Funmilayo Ransome-Kuti, a Nigerian activist who fearlessly raised her voice for women’s rights in the 1940s and 50s.
Her husband, Reverend Israel Oludotun Ransome-Kuti, was her pillar of strength who supported her every step of the way.
The more remarkable part is that he did so in a patriarchal dispensation where Nigerian men believed women should not take leading roles among men.
Reverend Ransome-Kuti defied convention and encouraged his wife to take center stage, to speak out against injustice, and to fight for the rights of women.
He didn’t try to silence her or hold her back; instead, he empowered her to be a force for change.
That’s what secured partners do – they uplift, they support, and they trust.
In a world where relationships are often plagued by insecurity, jealousy, and mistrust, it’s refreshing to see a partnership that embodies the opposite.
What does it mean to feel insecure? It means lacking self-confidence, feeling uncertain about oneself, and being plagued by self-doubt.
It’s a feeling of inadequacy that can permeate every aspect of our lives, including our relationships. When we feel insecure, we may become overly dependent on our partner, constantly seeking reassurance and validation.
We may become jealous, possessive, and controlling, suffocating the very relationship we’re trying to hold onto.
Insecurity can bring a sense of anxiety and unease to a relationship, making it difficult to build trust and intimacy.
In this post, we’ll explore the root causes of insecurity in relationships, highlight the red flags of an insecure person, and provide solutions to overcome these challenges and build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
To start with, how do you recognize an insecure person?
Common Signs of Personal Insecurity
Insecurity plays out in different ways. It plays out in an individual and it manifests in relationships too. Here are common signs of insecurity in an individual:
1. Low Self-Esteem
People with low self-esteem often struggle with feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and negativity.
They may put themselves down, criticize themselves excessively, or have a hard time accepting compliments.
2. Fear of Rejection
Insecure individuals may have an intense fear of rejection, which can lead them to avoid taking risks, trying new things, or putting themselves out there.
They are often sensitive to criticism or feedback.
3. Need for Constant Validation
Insecure people often need constant validation and reassurance from others to feel good about themselves.
They may seek attention and affirmation from social media, friends, or romantic partners.
4. Difficulty with Intimacy
Insecure individuals may struggle with intimacy, emotional connection, or vulnerability.
They may have a hard time opening up, sharing their feelings, or being vulnerable with others.
5. Perfectionism
Insecure people may feel like they need to be perfect to be loved, accepted, or valued.
They may set unrealistically high standards for themselves and others, leading to feelings of anxiety, stress, and burnout.
6. Defensiveness
Insecure individuals may become overly defensive when confronted with criticism, feedback, or constructive advice.
They may take things personally, become aggressive, or dismissive.
7. Self-Sabotage
Insecure people may engage in self-sabotaging behaviours, such as procrastination, self-doubt, or negative self-talk, which can hold them back from achieving their goals or pursuing their passions.
8. Comparison to Others
Insecure individuals may constantly compare themselves to others, feeling like they’re not good enough, successful enough, or attractive enough.
This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, and resentment.
9. Fear of Abandonment
Insecure people may have an intense fear of abandonment, which can lead them to cling to relationships, become overly dependent on others, or engage in people-pleasing behaviours.
10. Lack of Boundaries
Insecure individuals may struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, leading to feelings of burnout, resentment, and exploitation.
Effects of Insecurity on Relationships
When individuals struggling with insecurity enter into romantic relationships, they often bring their negative patterns of behaviour with them.
These behaviors can manifest in a variety of destructive ways which include:
Snooping
One common trait of insecure partners is the urge to pry into their significant other’s personal affairs.
This can include snooping through their phone, email, or social media accounts, as well as questioning them about their whereabouts and activities.
This behaviour is often driven by a deep-seated fear of being abandoned or replaced and can lead to a toxic cycle of mistrust and resentment.
The Need for Control
Insecure partners may also exhibit controlling behaviour, such as constantly calling or texting their partner to check in, or demanding to know their every move.
This need for control stems from a lack of trust and a fear of being left behind. However, it can ultimately drive their partner away, as it can be perceived as suffocating or manipulative.
The Roots of Insecurity in Relationships
Have you ever been taunted about a body feature as a child?
I know a young woman named Uju, whose dental arrangement protruded a bit. Two of her classmates didn’t hesitate to point it out. “Big teeth” was the nickname they gave her until she left that school.
But it wasn’t just her peers who contributed to her insecurity. Even at home, her mother’s well-intentioned but misguided attempts to caution her about her teeth only served to erode her confidence.
One fateful day, her mother’s friend made a thoughtless comment as they discussed. She compared Uju unfavourably to her younger sister.
“But for her teeth, Uju would have been a very beautiful girl,” she said.
The careless words stuck, and Uju’s mother’s subsequent affirmation of them etched a deep scar in her psyche.
As she grew into adulthood, Uju couldn’t shake the feeling that she was somehow less beautiful, less worthy of love and admiration.
Even when people complimented her on her smile, Uju felt like they were mocking or flattering her.
The fear of rejection and ridicule held her back from pursuing her passion for public speaking, a dream she had nurtured since childhood.
Insecurity in individuals is often rooted in their past experiences, upbringing, personal fears, and doubts. Some of these causes include:
Childhood trauma and attachment issues
This can play a significant role in shaping our insecurities. If we grew up in a household where love was conditional, or where we were constantly criticized or belittled, we may develop attachment issues.
We may feel like we’re not good enough, or that we need to earn love and approval. These feelings can carry over into our adult relationships, making us feel insecure and uncertain.
Past Relationships
Our past relationships can also contribute to our insecurities. If we’ve been hurt or betrayed in previous relationships, we may carry that emotional baggage into our current relationship.
We may fear that our partner will leave us, or that they’ll cheat on us. These fears can lead to jealousy, possessiveness, and a constant need for reassurance.
Societal pressure and unrealistic expectations
This can also contribute to our insecurities. We’re bombarded with images of perfect relationships on social media, and we’re led to believe that our relationships should be like the ones we see in movies and TV shows.
But the truth is, no relationship is perfect, and every couple faces challenges and conflicts.
Lack of Transparency
When one partner is not open and honest about their thoughts, feelings, and actions, it can lead to feelings of insecurity and uuncertainty suspicion, and mistrust.
This can manifest in ways such as constantly questioning one’s partner, feeling like they are hiding something, or becoming overly attached and clingy.
Lack of transparency can also lead to feelings of jealousy and possessiveness, as one partner may feel the need to control and monitor the other’s actions.
Comparison
Imagine a man always comparing his wife’s meals with that of his mother. Or a woman comparing her husband’s sexual prowess with that of her ex-lover. This can make them feel inadequate and cause low self-esteem.
It can lead to feelings of insecurity and uncertainty, as one partner may feel like they are not good enough or that their partner is not satisfied with them.
Comparison can also lead to feelings of competition and rivalry, which can be damaging to a relationship.
Financial Disparities
Financial disparities can be a significant source of insecurity in relationships. When one partner earns significantly more than the other, it can create feelings of resentment and inadequacy.
The partner who earns less may feel like they are not contributing enough to the relationship, or that they are not valued as much as their partner.
This breeds insecurity and uncertainty, as well as conflicts over financial decisions and responsibilities.
Lack of Quality Time Together
When couples do not spend quality time together, it can create feelings of disconnection, isolation and insecurity. One partner may feel like they are not a priority to the other.
Lack of quality time together can also lead to feelings of resentment and frustration, as one partner may feel like they are not getting the attention and affection they need.
Poor Communication
Poor communication is a common root cause of insecurity in relationships. We tend to misjudge intentions and draw wrong conclusions about people’s actions when we do not communicate effectively.
This can lead to misunderstandings which exacerbates feelings of insecurity.
In each of these cases, the root cause of insecurity is a fear of rejection or abandonment stemming from a lack of trust, communication, and emotional intimacy.
When these needs are not met, it can create feelings of uncertainty and insecurity, which can be damaging to a relationship.
Effective Ways to Overcome Personal Insecurity
Recognize the Signs of Insecurity
The first step to overcoming insecurity is to recognize the signs. Are you constantly questioning your partner’s intentions or motives?
Do you feel the need to monitor their every move or check their phone and social media accounts?
Do you become overly defensive or critical when your partner tries to talk to you about your behaviour? If so, you may be exhibiting signs of insecurity.
Find the Root Cause and Deal with It
Once you’ve recognized the signs of insecurity, it’s time to dig deeper and find the root cause. Is it a past trauma or experience that’s driving your behaviour?
Is it a fear of abandonment or rejection? Whatever the reason, it’s essential to confront it head-on and deal with it.
This may involve seeking therapy or counselling, practising self-reflection and self-awareness, or working on building your self-esteem and confidence.
Build Trust and Communication
Healthy relationships are built on Trust and communication. When you’re insecure, it’s easy to let fear and doubt creep in and destroy your connection with your partner.
To overcome this, make a conscious effort to build trust and communication with your partner.
This means being open and honest with each other, listening actively, and working through conflicts together.
Focus on Self-Improvement
Insecurity often stems from a lack of self-confidence and self-worth. To overcome this, focus on self-improvement and personal growth.
This means setting goals and working towards them, practising self-care and self-compassion, and developing a growth mindset.
Practice Mindfulness and Self-Awareness
Mindfulness and self-awareness are powerful tools in the fight against insecurity. By being more present and aware in your daily life, you can catch yourself when you’re feeling insecure and take steps to address it.
This means practising mindfulness techniques like meditation and deep breathing, as well as engaging in self-reflection and journaling.
Seek Support
Finally, don’t be afraid to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. Overcoming insecurity is a journey, and it’s okay to ask for help along the way.
Having a support system in place can make all the difference in building your confidence and self-esteem.
Overcoming Insecurity in a Relationship
- Practice open and honest communication with your partner and encourage your partner to do the same
- Establish trust by following through on commitments and being reliable
- Avoid comparing your partner to others. We are all unique in our own ways.
- Celebrate your partner’s successes and accomplishments
- Create a budget and financial plan together
- Work together to achieve financial goals
- Avoid blaming or shaming each other for financial decisions
- Schedule regular date nights and activities together
- Prioritize quality time together, even if it’s just a walk or dinner at home
- Make an effort to stay connected and engaged with each other
- Plan vacations and trips together to create shared experiences
- Practice active listening and empathy with your partner
- Use “I” statements to express how you feel without blaming the other person
- Avoid assumptions and clarify misunderstandings
- Make time for regular check-ins and conversations about feelings and needs
- Work on personal growth together
- Seek counselling or therapy to work through deeper issues
Conclusion
Overcoming insecurity in a relationship requires effort and commitment from both partners.
Identify the signs of insecurity, address the root causes, and take counter-actions.
Practice open communication, trust, and empathy, and focus on personal growth and self-awareness.
With time and effort, couples can overcome insecurity and create a more loving and supportive relationship.
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