3 Reason to Stop Comparing your Child with Others

Are you always comparing your kids to others? It’s doing more harm than you think.

As parents, it’s so easy to fall into the trap of comparing our children to other families.

You see your friend’s son ace another exam and wonder why your little boy isn’t doing as well.

Or you watch another daughter dazzle on the dance floor while feeling disappointed in Neji’s shyness.

But did you know comparing your child to others is actually damaging your kids in hidden ways?

Studies show that over 70% of parents regularly compare their children to siblings or peers.

But what we may see as innocent chatter can seriously hurt their self-esteem and confidence if done too often.

Our children start to feel like they’ll never measure up or earn our love unless they become the “smart one”, “talented one” or “well behaved one”.

Siblings may start resenting each other when Mom brags about Bola’s high marks and never acknowledges Dapo’s hard work on the soccer field.

In this post, we’ll look at the harmful effects of comparing children. You will learn how to celebrate each child’s unique talents to help them thrive on their own terms.

I’ll also share tips to help you identify your child’s unique learning style and stop comparing your children.

Keep reading to ensure you’re supporting your kids in the healthiest way possible instead of constantly comparing your child!

The Dangers of Comparing Children

Is it bad to compare your child to other children?

“How do we challenge our kids without comparing them to others?”, some parents might wonder.

When we’re always comparing our kids to others, it can really backfire on them in some harmful ways.

Let’s inspect the negative effects of comparing children and how it affects their development and relationship with us as parents.  

1. Damaged Self-Esteem and Confidence

Children are highly perceptive, and when they feel they are being constantly measured against others, they may internalize a sense of inadequacy or failure.

This can lead to feelings of low self-worth, anxiety, and a fear of trying new things or taking risks.

They may shy away from opportunities for growth and development, hindering their ability to reach their full potential.

Comparing children to their peers or siblings regularly is a surefire way to crush their self-esteem.

When little Aisha hears you sigh that her friend Bimbo writes so much neater, she feels inadequate and doubt her own abilities.

These small comparisons leave lasting marks on how kids perceive themselves.

Research shows that children who are frequently compared lack confidence in trying extra activities.

They worry more about failing instead of exploring their interests. With low self-esteem, kids may avoid challenges and stop taking academic or extracurricular risks.

This limits their growth and ability to find their talents. Instead of embracing learning experiences and viewing setbacks as opportunities for growth, they may become discouraged and lose confidence in their abilities.

As parents, we want our children to feel proud of who they are and believe in themselves unconditionally.

Constantly criticizing your child compared to others impedes that.

2. Sibling Rivalry and Resentment

Comparing siblings is one of the quickest ways to breed resentment between brothers and sisters.

Think about it – how would you feel if your parents always pointed out how your sibling is better than you?

This type of negative comparison damages the relationship kids have with each other.

Studies also link sibling rivalry to increased stress, behavioral issues, and drops in school performance for the “lesser” child.

Kids just want to feel special to their parents, not like they’re in a never-ending competition with their own family.

Comparing kids sets them up to only feel worthwhile when outperforming others, rather than for who they are.

Some adults today have strained relationships with their siblings because of deep-seated resentment that have been established in them since childhood because of unhealthy comparisons by their parents or guardians.

3. Unrealistic Expectations and Pressure  

When comparison becomes the basis for parental approval rather than a child’s own efforts, it leads to immense pressure to achieve unrealistic standards.

Parents have high hopes, but comparing children to peers or siblings takes it to an extreme that’s unhealthy.

Say your daughter lags her cousin in math and you push tutoring, extra worksheets, and stern talks.

This type of intense focus on outcomes over learning process takes the fun out of childhood. Kids shut down when feeling constantly scrutinized for not meeting perfection.

It also ignores individual differences, strengths, limits and pace of development that is normal between children.

Every child is unique and should not be compared to others to be validated.

Pressure from comparison can cause stress, anxiety, confusion about self-worth, and even depressive symptoms.

Children deserve our unconditional support as they navigate each stage of growth at their own steady rhythm.

How to Support Each Child’s Unique Strengths 

So, in place of constant comparison, how can we embrace inclusive practices and support our child’s individuality?

Here are some tips for celebrating strengths in a nurturing way instead of comparing your child to others:

1. Celebrate Individual Milestones and Talents

Rather than only discussing what others can do, start a tradition of personalized milestone markers.

Note unique talents, acts of kindness, courage in trying something new. Display artwork, certificates and photos on a family memory board.

Handwrite specific notes of praise highlighting each child’s efforts. Celebrate both enormous achievements and small daily wins.

2. Encourage Passion and Intrinsic Motivation

Follow your child’s interests to cultivate passion, not just meet goals. Ask open questions to understand what excites them.

Sign them up for casual hobby classes instead of intense academics. Have them taught you about their favorite topics.

Let them create their “museums” to showcase collections. Cheer their effort over their scores to build the joy of learning.

3. Foster a Nurturing and Positive Environment

Lead with empathy, respect and teamwork at home. Value cooperation over competition. Compliment character qualities like patience, generosity.

Stay engaged in downtime for social-emotional skills. Have family movie nights without phones for quality connection time.

Spend 10-15 minutes each day doing one-on-one activities they enjoy, like baking, playing ball or reading together.

4. Individualized Learning Support

Do you know every child has their own unique learning style? In the next section, I will explain the following shortly.

If a child struggles in school, get expert help without comparison. Tutors can boost confidence while teachers identify strengths.

Some kids may excel in arts, while some do well in science. Adjust expectations based on each child’s potential.

Read progress reports focusing on improvement over end scores. 

5. Empower Self-Expression

Let their interests shine through hobbies, clubs and life choices. Avoid pressuring specific careers. Support home responsibilities or community roles that bring them joy.

Display artwork, poems, music proudly. Record dance or sports recitals they direct to sell their vision.

Identifying Your Child’s Unique Learning Style

Kids don’t all learn the same way. The way your child learns best is called their learning style. Figuring this out can really help them in school.

Some kids learn better by listening, others by seeing visuals, and others by doing hands-on activities.

When you teach a child in their preferred learning style, they’ll pick things up way easier. 

Instead of reading from a book, your child might assimilate more when they touch and move things around.

Or your child may find it difficult to follow spoken instructions, but they get it if there are pictures to look at.

So if one child gets it when you tell them to flush the toilet after use, but the other doesn’t get it until you paste pictures in the toilet, it doesn’t make one better than the other.

To figure out your child’s learning style, watch how they learn and what they enjoy doing for fun.

There are four main learning styles:

• Auditory learning

• Kinesthetic learning

• Tactile learning

• Visual learning 

Auditory learners learn best by hearing things. Have you noticed one of your kids always reading out loud to themselves? Did you shun them? That could be their learning style.

They can easily follow when you speak to them. They enjoy having stories read out loud. These kids are usually good at noticing changes in someone’s tone of voice.

They may love music. They might assimilate better when they make a song out of what they’re learning.

Kinesthetic learners learn by doing and moving their bodies. Instead of being told how to perform an extracurricular activity, they need to physically do it so it sinks in.

These kids use all five senses to learn. Sitting still in class is really hard for them. They often excel at sports and physical activities.

Tactile learners learn best by touching and handling objects. They need to move things around or create things with their hands to fully understand.

These kids may struggle just listening in class if they can’t fidget with something. They’re often gifted artists who love arts and crafts. 

Visual learners learn best by seeing things. Written instructions, pictures, and videos help them a lot.

They have a hard time remembering just spoken directions with no visuals. Visual kids are often good at picturing things in their minds. They may love reading, art, maps, and diagrams.

The best way to identify your child’s learning style is to simply observe how they play and interact.

Do they sing songs, move around, build with blocks, or look at picture books? That can tell you a lot.

Also, think about where they seem to struggle – if they have a hard time sitting through a class learning, maybe they’re kinesthetic.

If they never remember what you tell them verbally, perhaps they’re visual.

Once you know their learning style, you can adapt how you teach them at home.

Auditory kids may benefit from discussions, reading out loud, and memory tricks. Kinesthetic learners could act things out or go on field trips.

Tactile learners need lots of hands-on materials like brick toys to move around. Visual kids may do well with graphic organizers, charts, and color coding.

It’s important to remember that kids don’t fit into just one strict category. They may have multiple learning styles or preferences that change over time as they grow.

Expose them to all kinds of ways to learn and observe which works best for each child.

Knowing the primary learning style of your child gives you a powerful tool to help guide their education.

Every child learns differently, and this helps you understand your child’s unique needs.

More Tips for Parents

Some additional ways parent can foster a supportive family environment and prevent comparison habits are:

• Establish family rules against criticism, teasing or comparing siblings. Promote kindness, cooperation and resolution over competition/rivalry. 

• Have regular family meetings where each person shares one positive thing about others that week without judgment. Focus on gratitude.

• Cook and eat meals together daily to bond over casual conversation. Leave phones out of mealtimes.

• Schedule family time for board games, outdoor activities, movie nights without outside distractions like phones.

• Support individual interests by attending each child’s games/recitals to cheer equally without critique. Display appreciation notes.

• Initiate compromise and problem-solving together as a team over authoritarian parenting.

• Connect one-on-one by doing household chores, errands or hobbies with just one child at a time.

• Display family photos showing love for all without praising certain attributes over others.

• Communicate and show affection through hugs, “I love you” daily to foster emotional security.

• Lead with empathy by actively listening to understand each kid’s perspective without dismissal. 

• Apologize when mistakes are made and follow through on promises to build trust.

• Maintain consistent routines and consequences impartially to minimize feelings of unfairness.

Fostering a warm, supportive environment through quality time, affection, teamwork and fairness can help children thrive without unhealthy comparison habits.

Conclusion

Instead of comparing a child to their siblings, classmates, or even ourselves as parents, the focus should be on supporting that specific child’s strengths and helping them grow at their own pace.

Learning styles and capabilities vary so much from kid to kid. What comes easily to one may be a huge challenge for another, and that’s okay.

Constantly sizing up children against their peers can really undermine their confidence and love of learning.

A child who gets labeled as a “struggling student” because they can’t keep up with their seemingly “gifted” classmates may feel inadequate, when in reality they just learn differently or on a different timetable.

Here is how to communicate with your teen.

Measuring self-worth through those types of comparisons is damaging.

The goal should nurture each child’s individual potential, not creating a culture of competition or judgment.

 If you often compare kids, try keeping a journal of each child’s special moments this week without relating them to others.

You’ll be reminded of beautiful strengths right before your eyes!

Let’s work together to replace comparison habits with inclusive practices that nurture every child.

Have you struggled to resist comparing your kids?

Share your experience in the comments.

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