Sir Auditor UviesherheDo you ever feel like you’re speaking a different language than your teen?
First of all, who is a teen?
A teenager (also called teen) is a young person who is between the ages of 13 and 19.
The teen years are a time of significant development and change as a child transition into adulthood.
Some key characteristics of teenagers
During this period of their lives, teens:
- Experience puberty and adolescent development
- Desire greater independence and responsibility
- Develop their identity and sense of self
- Form closer friendships and romantic relationships
- Are more interested in social interactions with peers
- Tend to create their own values and beliefs separate from parents
- Go through mood swings and become very emotional.
- Become daring. They want to try out more risk-taking behaviors.
- Experience pressure with their academic work.
- Anticipate for future college and career paths
Teens find this period both exciting and challenging at the same time.
If they get the right support from adults that care, they can flourish gracefully into adulthood.
The challenge is not experienced by teens alone. Even the parents feel challenged raising them.
Not just challenged, they feel frustrated sometimes because, yes, it can be a really tough phase.
This period can also be rewarding for parents who have learnt how to connect with their teens.
You may wonder how to deal with your teen’s changing moods, behaviors, and attitudes.
It may feel like you don’t understand them anymore, or that they don’t listen to you.
As they make unilateral decisions, you may worry about their future, their health, and their happiness.
But don’t worry, it’s not unusual. A lot of parents face the same struggle.
In this post, I’ll share 5 tips based on counseling research and my own experience as a Nigerian parent of teens.
1. Understand the developmental and emotional needs of your teen
If you understand the developmental and emotional needs of your teen, you have cracked the code to a fundamental aspect of parenting them.
Teens go through a lot of physical, mental, and social changes that affect their mood, behavior, and identity. Always remember that as a parent.
They are not just deliberately trying to annoy you by being rebellious, lazy, or difficult.
They are trying to figure out who they are, what they want, and how they fit in the world.
You need to be supportive, understanding, and patient with your teen. Recognize that they have a mind of their own.
Their needs are different from yours, and they are not always rational, consistent, or predictable.
Try to respect their need for independence, individuality, and privacy, while also providing guidance, structure, and safety.
When you were their age, you didn’t have it all figured out, you know? You weren’t as wise as you are now. So why expect so much from them?
Teens face challenges like:
Peer pressure:
Teenagers are often influenced by their friends and peers, whose values, opinions, and behaviors are different from yours or that of your family.
Your teen may feel pressured to conform, to fit in, or to impress their friends.
Their friends may persuade them to experiment with risky or unhealthy activities, such as smoking, drinking, drugs, sex, or violence.
They may also experience bullying, cyberbullying, or social exclusion.
Academic stress:
Teens are expected to perform well in school, to prepare for the university or career, and to complete several assignments, projects, and exams.
They may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or bored by the workload.
Some of them struggle with learning difficulties, attention problems, or motivation issues.
Body image:
Teens are conscious of how they look. They may compare themselves to unrealistic or idealized standards of beauty, fitness, or attractiveness.
Sometimes they feel insecure, dissatisfied, or ashamed of their body. They may even develop eating disorders, exercise addiction, or self-harm behaviors.
Identity formation:
At this stage of their lives, teens are exploring their identity, and may try out different roles, styles, or interests.
They may question their gender, sexuality, ethnicity, religion, or culture.
They may also face discrimination, prejudice, or stereotypes based on their identity.
As a parent, it’s not enough to say you care. Show your teen how much you care about their feelings and experiences by:
Asking open-ended questions:
Keep ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ questions aside if you truly want to understand what is going on in the head of your teen.
Instead of interrogating, lecturing, or judging them, ask open-ended questions that encourage them to share their thoughts, opinions, or feelings.
For instance, instead of screaming “How dare you do that?” or “Are you out of your mind?”, you can say “How do you feel about this?” or “What were you trying to achieve when you did that?”.
Acknowledging their emotions:
Don’t dismiss, minimize, or criticize your teen’s emotions. Acknowledge them and show empathy.
Instead of saying “Don’t be so dramatic” or “Stop making it a big deal”.
For instance, you can say “I can see that you are upset” or “That must have been hard for you”.
Validating their opinions:
Arguing, contradicting, or imposing your opinions on your teen, most times does not help us achieve what we intend.
In fact, it may work the opposite way. They may become defiant. Validate them instead and show respect.
For example, instead of saying “That’s nonsense” or “You don’t know what you are talking about”, you can say “That’s an interesting perspective” or “I appreciate your point of view”.
Your teens love to be seen as grown-ups who have opinions that matter.
If you treat them otherwise, you are likely to face a rebuttal; sometimes mild, some other times, strong.
Also note that things don’t work out today as they did for you when you were their age.
Times have changed. To guide them, do so with what works in the present times.
2. Listen actively and empathetically to your teen
Your teen returns from school one day and casually tells you “Damian rubbed my hair today”. What’s your first reaction?
Do you jump into the probing and threatening mode instantly by asking “Really? What else did he do?”
What’s your facial expression and tone like? Does it warn your teen that she’s about to get into trouble?
If you want to see your teen open up to you, start by listening to them.
I cannot stress enough how important active listening is for connecting with your teen (and in fact, adolescents generally).
When you give your full attention, without interruption or judgement, it shows your teen that their thoughts and feelings matter.
Get your emotions together and try to stay calm while you listen. Listening builds trust and understanding between you.
Your teen will feel comfortable coming to you for guidance, knowing you’ll listen with empathy first.
So how can you put active listening into action? Follow these tips:
Keep an eye contact to show you’re engaged.
Try to pull your attention away from whatever you are doing when they are talking to you.
Listen with your eyes and ears. Look at their body language when they talk. When you look at them as they speak, you hear beyond what they say.
Nod along as they speak so they know you’re following. Respond with affirmations like “Yes, I’m getting you.”
Paraphrase what you hear them say to be sure you understand. For example, your teen narrated how someone treated them in school.
You can respond like this: “It sounds like you felt good when that happened at school today.”
Ask follow-up questions to get more insight into their perspective. Let them see that you are interested in the conversation.
Don’t just brush past what they shared. It suggests that their thoughts or ideas do not matter.
Try not to judge or criticize.
Naturally, parents just want to quickly point out their teen’s errors and move on. Shift your focus on understanding where they’re coming from.
Show empathy for their feelings. Make them understand that it’s okay to feel the way they do.
Remember, feelings are natural. It is what we do with them that counts.
Let your teen fully explain their perspective without interrupting. Listen attentively to understand, not just respond.
With active listening, your relationship will become much stronger. You’ll gain meaningful insights into your teen’s world.
And they’ll know they have a parent who cares.
3: Express your expectations and boundaries clearly and respectfully
As Nigerian parents, we want to instill values like respect, responsibility, and discipline in our teens.
But instilling fear in them should not be a goal. Of course, teens need guidance and direction from their parents, but they also need autonomy and freedom to make their own choices.
It is important to balance your authority with flexibility when communicating with your teen. Finding the balance starts with expressing our expectations clearly and respectfully.
Here are some simple tips that help:
Use “I” statements to own your expectations.
Say “I expect that you are home by 5pm” rather than “You must be home” or “Don’t let me get home before you if you don’t want a problem.”
There really is no need for threats when stating your expectations.
Explain the reasons behind your rules.
For example, “I want you to focus on your studies so you can achieve your goals.”
Go a bit further to make them see why achieving goals is important.
You can engage them by asking what they think about the subject.
Offer choices when possible.
A good way to get your teen’s cooperation is by offering them choices. They want to feel a sense of responsibility to make choices.
For instance you want them to get something done, instead of instructing them to do it your way, give some flexibility by saying “You can either delay a bit to complete your chores before you go out or go out now and be home by 5 pm.”
Avoid lecturing or criticism.
Nobody enjoys being criticized. Your teen is not exempted. Stick to stating the expectation and its motives.
Don’t bring some ‘boring’ lecture of how it worked for you in the 60’s and automatically should work for them now.
Be open to discussion and negotiation. Listen to their perspective and compromise when reasonable.
Focus on the behavior, not the person.
Don’t label them outright when they make mistakes. God hates the sin, not the sinner.
Say “I was worried when you didn’t call” not “You are so irresponsible.”
Use positive reinforcement when they meet expectations. “I’m proud of you for being so responsible.”
And if they violate a boundary, remain calm. Clearly restate the consequence and apply it consistently.
Make sure the punishment fits the action. Don’t overreact in anger.
With mutual understanding and respect, you and your teen can communicate expectations positively while building trust. They’ll be more likely to open up to your guidance.
4. Encourage your teen to be confident and independent
You play a vital role in helping shape your teen’s confidence and journey to adulthood.
With the right support, they will gain the self-assurance needed to pursue their passions and become independent thinkers.
Bolstering self-esteem and autonomy in adolescents takes a while.
Offer frequent words of affirmation.
Praise their efforts and talents, no matter how small.
Say things like “I’m proud of how hard you worked” or “You have a real gift for music.”
Let them make minor mistakes so they can learn from experience. Give advice but let them make their own final choices.
Respect their need for privacy. Avoid excessive monitoring of their phones, activities, or relationships.
Trust their growing maturity.
Don’t bump into the rooms of your teen who is of the opposite sex just because you are their parent.
Allow them to express themselves creatively through fashion, hobbies, and social circles. Don’t stifle individuality.
Every family should have their set of values which should be understood by every member of the family including the kids from infancy.
Once these values are set as ground rules, allow your teens to make their preferences within what’s tenable.
Encourage interests and activities they feel passionate about.
Interests like sports, arts, or causes are ways people express themselves.
Encourage them to embrace their passion on the right path. Get involved.
Expose them to inspiring role models and opportunities to develop leadership skills.
If your teen loves writing for instance, support their passion by connecting them to a writer who can mentor them.
Share examples of when you overcame challenges through self-belief. Instill confidence.
Collaborate on goal setting for academics, finances, relationships and more based on their aspirations.
With your faith in their abilities, your teen will gain the confidence to start shaping their own future success and identity.
Foster their self-esteem and they will bloom into capable adults.
5. Support your teen’s interests and hobbies
Encourage the development of your teen’s passions and talents. You get glimpses of their unique personality through their hobbies and interests.
As their parents, encourage activities that spark joy in them and reveal their talent.
Put some effort in learning and engage in their hobbies. Here are some ways to that:
Ask them to explain to you what interests them.
Let them tell you about their favorite music, books, sports teams, and more. Let them explain how they feel about these activities.
Appreciate their skills and knowledge. Genuinely praise their talents or skills to make them feel validated.
Support their interests.
If your teen loves to draw for example, buy equipment like art supplies for them. Take them to competitions or exhibitions.
Get involved. Ask to see their artwork. Attend their football games to cheer them on.
And connect interests to career paths. A teen who loves animals could become a veterinarian. Guide them.
Allow creative self-expression.
Let them decorate their room or style their hair to reflect their style.
Remember, as long as you have family values in place guiding them from infancy, their self-expressions will most likely not contradict these values.
Share your own hobbies and interests too. As long as you show genuine interest in what they do, it’s easy for them to show interest in what you do too.
Those times of sharing common interests or hobbies, like discussing the premier league, and cooking together, create room for bonding between you and your teens.
Supporting the hobbies and passions that bring your teen joy empowers them to keep developing their skills and gifts.
They are assured that you take pride in the unique person they are becoming and your connection grows stronger.
Conclusion:
It requires patience and work to effectively communicate with teens. But it can be very rewarding as it shapes them into fine adults. It is worth the effort to build a strong relationship.
In this blog post, you have learned five effective strategies to communicate with your teen:
- Understanding their needs,
- Listening to them,
- Expressing your expectations,
- Encouraging their confidence, and
- Supporting their hobbies.
Try these strategies and watch how your relationship with your teen improves.
Have you experienced some difficulties or successes while communicating with your teen?
Have you tried any of these methods? How did it go?
Did I miss something?
Share your thoughts in the comments section below. And don’t forget to subscribe to this blog for more helpful tips and advice on parenting.
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