Sir Auditor UviesherheAs a human, you are prone to losing it at one time or another, whether at home or work, so you must understand how to resolve conflicts.
In resolving conflicts, you need to understand that we have two brains: the thinking and emotional brain. Even though we are in the 21st century, the brain’s pattern is still quite predictable.
For example, our forefathers used their brains for survival when they went out to hunt animals.
The brain informed them when there was a looming danger, and their responses to those situations were usually “fight,” “flight,” or “freeze” mode. This part of their brain activated whenever they were faced with danger.
Now, even though we are not hunting animals in this era, the brain is still consistent with its patterns. The discovery of the prefrontal cortex (the thinking brain) in 1868 couldn’t stop these patterns.
The emotional brain still controls about 80% of the brain. And it often makes decisions before the prefrontal cortex can process them. The more intense the feeling gets, the more assertive your emotional mind becomes.
Have you asked yourself why you swing into a defensive position if your character is questioned or someone accuses you of something? At that point, you will do anything to uphold your honour and prove that you are right.
After exchanging words and banter, you then wonder if it was worth it in the first place. What if you relaxed and responded one minute later?
Will the result turn out to be different? While you might not get an answer, you can learn how to deal with future disputes before or after they escalate.
Why Conflicts Occur
Before looking at how to resolve conflicts, you should understand why conflicts occur. If you pay great attention, you can minimize the conflicts you resolve.
Conflicts of interest: When your interests don’t align with those of your colleagues, partner, or family, it could lead to conflict. For example, you and your siblings could disagree on the kind of show to watch in the living room.
You could be interested in football channels while your family prefers watching movies and reality TV shows. This could lead to disagreements that turn into conflict.
Personality differences: Your differences could cause a rift between you and your colleagues.
You could be an introverted person who doesn’t like to talk too much, while your colleagues could be extroverted and talkative. These differences in personalities could cause disputes.
Differences in standards or expectations: One of the major reasons conflicts happen is because of higher standards or expectations. This leads to disappointment.
If you were expecting your co-workers to blow your mind with the project you assigned to them, but they didn’t meet your expectations, it could lead to disappointment.
Another twist to disappointment is when they default. For example, exceeding deadlines, delivering a subpar job, etc.
Lack of communication or differences in communication styles: Lack of clear communication could be considered as one of the leading causes of conflicts.
Many issues arise because there is no clear communication from the sender or the recipient receives the message differently.
Either way, when the communication doesn’t produce the intended intent, there is a bridge in communication. Usually, your listener must understand and give you appropriate feedback before the communication is complete.
To give an example, you could ask your sibling to help with your chore because you are busy with other activities.
But if you don’t clearly explain what you are busy with and why your sibling should help you out, that request might not be received well.
You might also find it annoying if your colleague always asks you to fill in for him without clear communication.
Why should you try conflict resolution?
Keep healthy relationships: Knowing how to resolve disputes will help you maintain and keep relationships. Relationships hardly go unscathed. You’ll experience conflict at one time or another.
Knowing how to resolve these conflicts will help you maintain your relationships. Many people have made enemies at work because they couldn’t resolve their differences.
Also, many siblings have not been on good terms for years because of conflicts. Many children and fathers have not talked for years because of unresolved conflicts.
You’ll find the skill of resolving conflicts useful both for yourself and the people around you.
An opportunity to grow: When handled well, conflict resolution provides an opportunity for both parties to grow and become a better version of themselves.
Every conflict presents an opportunity to learn and understand how to and how not to relate with people.
5 Proven Conflict Resolution Techniques
The following are 5 conflict resolution techniques you can use for better relationships at work and home:
1. Active Listening:
In this generation, the art of listening has been lost. Many people are hearing, but they are not listening.
They listen to speak and not listen to understand and empathize with the person speaking.
If you want to resolve issues, then the first tool in your toolbox is active listening. You have to listen to people’s points of view to understand them, rather than judge, condemn, or debunk their ideas.
How to listen actively:
- Face them when sitting or standing.
- Maintain eye contact.
- Ensure that you are not doing anything else when listening.
- Remove the barrier between you and the person speaking.
- Respond with filler words like, “Ohh,” “I get you,” “Wow,” and so on.
Repeat their words back to them as a sign that you are listening.
For example, “If I understand you well, you said he raised his voice at you first.” ‘So, you mean, he threw the first punch at you.” “To summarize all you just said, his abusive words hurt.”
Do you know what this does to the other person? It makes them feel heard, understood, and seen. If you listen to them well, solving the issue will be much easier.
2. Assertive Communication:
You must learn how to communicate with another person without being passive or aggressive. To be assertive, speak in a firm, relaxed tone, depending on the situation.
Also, use the “I’ statement to communicate your message. This helps the recipient see that this is your perspective and thoughts.
They can disagree with it, but you are only expressing yourself, just like they have or will express themselves.
Instead of saying, “You made a wrong decision. You should have asked me before stopping operations.”
You could say, “Before stopping the operations, I believe you could have asked me since I also have a major stake in this.” This directs the focus to the actions, not the person.
Also, while being assertive, don’t try to play the blame game. Take responsibility for your actions, and help your recipient see where they should take responsibility, too.
For example, you could take responsibility by admitting that you shouldn’t have raised your voice when you found out about his actions.
3. Invite a Third Party:
Another way to resolve conflicts is to bring someone you both respect into the issue.
Siblings bring in their parents to resolve their differences; partners sometimes invite a parent or a relative to resolve their differences; another co-worker can intervene in a meeting; a pastor or cell leader can intervene when members have conflicts.
The person will listen to both sides of the story and resolve the conflicts without taking sides. Of course, point out the mistakes both parties made.
The truth is that people hardly admit that they are wrong, and they are always the heroes of their stories.
They believe they are right, and the other person is at fault. It will take the intervention of another person to help them see that their actions were wrong.
So, having another person resolve the issue is a wise option.
Try to compromise: You’ll not always be on the same page with everyone, no matter how hard you try. You’ll be more than convinced that you are right, and they will also be super convinced that they are right.
So, if both parties believe that they are both right, you’ll have to reach a compromise. Some people compromise by just agreeing with the other party.
At other times, they might not agree, but they decide to bury the hatchet and apologize to each other for their actions.
3. Focus on action rather than people or traits:
Instead of pointing at people and talking badly about their character, focus on their actions. Address the problem, not the people. When you attack people, you force them into a defensive mode, and they retaliate.
For example, when you get angry at people and act harshly toward them because of a mistake, they will retaliate against your gestures.
Instead of focusing on people, why not focus on their actions? Stop the “you’ against “me” attacks. Instead, embrace “us” against the “problem.”
Instead of saying, “You don’t think about others. Why will you be getting your reports to me at this time?”
You could say, “Help me understand if I am missing something. What is always keeping you from submitting your work on time?”
Instead of saying, “You are a habitual latecomer. You never for once come to work early.”
You can say, “I noticed that you came late to work. Is there any reason you always come late?” It’s called reframing in psychology.
You could also use the “I’ statements to reframe.
Instead of saying, “You yelled at me and called me a liar,” you could say, “I felt bad when you yelled at me and called me a liar. I don’t like being called a liar.”
It reframes the situation as an attack. The first statement could trigger a response like “I didn’t yell at you or I didn’t call you a liar.”
Ways to Prevent Conflict
The following are ways to prevent conflicts:
1. Be respectful:
You should treat everyone with respect. Many people take offence when they are being addressed with disrespect. As much as possible, be mindful of your interactions with your siblings, parents, and colleagues.
And respect is not only in words but also in your actions. The first sign of respect is a greeting. Don’t wait for someone to greet you before you do. Your natural disposition should be to greet people.
Use kind words: As you probably already know, people are going through a lot. Be gentle and kind with your words. Don’t just speak to anyone as you wish. Ensure that you are mindful of your words.
Whenever you want to speak vile words to people, restrain yourself and replace them with kind words. Even when you want to correct someone, do so out of love. Remember, you are also not perfect.
2. Know when to walk away:
Always know when to back out of conversations. When you see that a conversation is getting tense and heading toward a heated argument, you should walk away from it instead of making an enemy of it.
Always try to end a conversation before it escalates into a conflict.
3. Know when to apologize:
We all have egos. And we will rather do anything to keep our egos than bruise them. Many people see apologizing as reducing their ego. Would you rather have an inflated ego and bad relationships or make peace with people and puncture your ego?
This is one of the reasons many parents, even when they are wrong, will never apologize to their children. If you are wrong, the right thing to do is to apologise. It won’t make you any less of yourself, I promise.
Conclusion
Resolving conflicts is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships at work and home. You must be able to work out your differences with one another.
As I said earlier, conflicts are inevitable in all relationships; however, how the recipients handle them will determine if they escalate, resolve, or even create a greater bond between them.
Ensure you don’t read this article like every blog post. Take immediate action and try to resolve pending conflicts with any of the aforementioned strategies. Also, recognize opportunities to resolve conflicts.
The more you apply these strategies, the better you get at them.
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